My New Year's Resolution

I have been wanting to write this blog post for awhile, but I haven't been quite sure how to put my thoughts into words, and have it make any kind of sense to anybody besides myself. But I guess it is time I sit down and try.

The New Year is coming and for the first time in my life I think I have a good idea about what I want my New Year's Resolution to be. I've always liked the idea of setting a New Year's Resolution, I like the idea of trying to become a better person in some way, and I like the idea of starting fresh, but I've never been very good at setting long term goals. They can seem too daunting. Too likely to fail. So sometimes, I guess it seems like "why bother?" But this year, it is going to be different, because for once, I think I can clearly see the road, and what it takes to get where I want to go. And maybe even if I fail for a day, or a week, or a month. Maybe it doesn't matter as long as I just pick myself up and try again.

My goal for this coming  year is going to be kind of hard to explain. I can understand it in my own head, but trying to connect all the pieces together and write them down...well this is going to be a bit of a challenge. I guess I will start with my overall theme. It can be summed up in a single word.  My Word for the year (I've always wanted to pick a word for the year) is:

CHOOSE

Why the word Choose: 

A few months ago, I was having a hard time sleeping and I was listening to a meditation tape that my mom gave me a few years ago. It was supposed to help you relax. I had listened to it for multiple nights in a row, and it seemed to be helping me quite a bit. One night though it dawned on me what the lady on the tape was actually saying. It will be hard to explain without having you actually listen to the tape...but basically, she started out by saying:

"The essence of who you are is not your body, because you can control your body at least to some extent."

"The essence of who you are is not your thoughts, because you can control your thoughts."

"The essence of who you are is not your emotions, because you can control your emotions."

She went on like this, and as she was speaking, as a listener you were supposed to strip those things from your conscience. At the end you were left with only your authentic, true, inner self. And who was that self? What was it, if it was not the body, the thoughts, the emotions...

"This part of you, this part of each of us...is the part within you that has the power to direct and control the many forces that otherwise would take charge of your life. It is the whole that make sense of the varied, contradictory parts of your personality. It is the part of you that chooses. It is the I, in the statement I AM..It is your life force. It is your Spirit. It is the essence of your life. That which makes you what you are. Your fundamental nature."

Wow.

I don't think I have ever understood the word free agency as well as I understood it that night. It hit me like a ton of bricks! Free agency is who I am! Literally. It isn't just something I have been given by God, it is myself. My actual person. My being. And if Satan had won during that great battle in Heaven. I would have lost myself...not just my power to choose. I would have become a nobody, a thing. And that is why our free agency is SO IMPORTANT! Because I am the power to choose. And everything...literally everything is a choice. What freedom!!! 

I guess there are things in everyone's life, that they will experience, that will make life seem more clear. That will make life seem that much more meaningful. I can't get these thoughts out of my head. I have been dwelling on them almost constantly. They seem to apply to every aspect of my life. 

I used to believe that things were a certain way and some things could not be changed. 

"I can't be happy, because I'm depressed." That would probably be one of my biggest examples. It used to bother me when I would ask David how I could be happier, and he would say, "Just choose to be happy." uh. right. Like it could really be that simple. 

But it is. 

It is that simple. But it is also that hard.

It is a choice.

And I have the power to choose.

But choices aren't always easy, even if they are right. (And they can be especially difficult if you have spent your life thus far, not really making any.)

In fact choices can be the hardest things we ever do. They can hurt. They can especially hurt our pride. They can humble us. And being humbled doesn't feel good. At least I don't think it ever feels good. I hate being told I'm wrong, or that it was my fault. I hate being told I didn't understand, or I wasn't really listening. I definitely don't like being told I can't have what I want. I hate waiting. But, some of the choices we have to make...will cause these things to happen. And it wont necessarily be fun.

But, I think it will be liberating.